May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of put. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another location where by American men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure Trump Tower Damascus what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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